Following my previous post, and after taking the time to reflect on all the responses I received — for which I am grateful, whether I agreed with them or not — I would like to share a few broader reflections.
As I understand it, this forum was created by TrustedHousesitters following requests from members who wanted a space where sitters and pet parents could share experiences, exchange information, help one another and feel supported. I think that is an extremely valuable purpose. Unfortunately, some of the responses to my previous post reminded me why I had stopped posting about difficult experiences here.
Cat-ophile made an interesting observation about anonymity: because most people here post anonymously, they may feel freer to give completely unfiltered opinions. I understand the value of honest and direct discussion, but I think anonymity also raises another issue.
We are identified and verified on the TrustedHousesitters platform. Personally, I think there is a strong argument for forum members also being identifiable through their THS profiles. We all know that some people behave very differently when they are speaking from behind a username rather than under their own identity. There is a considerable difference between expressing an honest, even strongly critical opinion, and making personal judgements about someone you do not know while remaining anonymous yourself.
Something else surprised me throughout the discussion: how little attention was given to the actual circumstances of the cancellation.
I have never said that the pet parent was not ill. I do not know that, and neither does anyone else here.
But “I woke up feeling very sick and I’m no longer going on my trip” can cover an enormous range of situations. Feeling unwell enough to decide not to travel is one thing; being seriously ill to the point that cancelling a confirmed housesit at the very last moment is genuinely unavoidable is another.
At 5:01 a.m. she told me that she had woken up very sick, was no longer going on her trip and therefore no longer needed me. She also told me that she would stay at home with her cats. At no point did she mention needing medical assistance, going to hospital or requiring anyone to help her because of her condition.
Of course, that does not tell us exactly how ill she was. The point is precisely that none of us knows.
Yet several people were very quick to construct scenarios involving serious medical emergencies and then judge my reaction as though those hypothetical scenarios were established facts.
There is also important context surrounding the cancellation.
The sit had been confirmed about a week earlier, but several basic practical arrangements had still not been completed on the day before my arrival.
The pet parent went out to watch the solar eclipse that evening. Of course she had every right to go out and enjoy herself. But, in my view, once someone has confirmed a housesit and knows that another person is travelling to their home the following morning, the reasonable thing is to make sure the essential arrangements for receiving that person have been completed first.
That had not happened.
Only after returning from the eclipse did she try to leave the keys at the café opposite her home, as previously arranged. By then, the café was already closed. She had also told me that she would leave a spare set of keys with a friend, but that had not been done either.
These unresolved arrangements were still being communicated to me after midnight, only around eight hours before I was due to leave home.
Then, at 5:01 a.m. — approximately three hours before my planned departure — the entire five-day sit was cancelled.
Does that prove that she was not genuinely ill? No.
Does that whole sequence of events raise legitimate questions in my mind? Yes, absolutely.
And I find it quite remarkable that so many people were quicker to scrutinise my reaction than to scrutinise the situation itself.
This was the first time I had ever experienced a confirmed housesit being cancelled literally on the morning it was due to begin. I had rearranged and cancelled several commitments in order to make the trip, prepared for five days away and was ready to leave when I woke up and saw the message.
I came to the forum because this was a new and upsetting situation for me. I wanted to hear other members’ experiences and opinions. I was looking for understanding, sympathy, support and, absolutely, sincere and fair opinions — including opinions that disagreed with mine.
I also think that when a sitter comes here to expose a difficult situation and ask for help, the starting point should be a little more generous. Until there is a reason to think otherwise, perhaps we should assume that the sitter is a fellow member with common sense, acting in good faith, and making themselves vulnerable by sharing a problem because they genuinely want help, perspective or support.
Some people seemed very quick to criticise, analyse motives and make value judgements before first considering that the person posting may simply be trying to make sense of something upsetting. In my view, helping a fellow member who comes here in good faith should be one of the primary purposes of this forum.
Several people did exactly that, and I am genuinely grateful to them. Some disagreed with me while remaining thoughtful and respectful. Others shared experiences from both the sitter and pet-parent perspective that gave me useful things to consider.
But some responses went somewhere very different.
I was told or invited to reflect on whether expressing my concerns would “put me in a good light”, whether my “better angels” might eventually “kick in”, whether I needed to “grow”, whether my behaviour prevented me from “thriving”, and other assessments of me personally.
Those are not opinions about housesitting or cancellation policies. They are personal judgements about somebody you do not know.
Nobody here knows enough about my life, my character, my relationships, my behaviour or my personal development to make those assessments.
Honest disagreement can be enormously valuable. Sometimes another person’s perspective makes us reconsider our own position and even change it. That is one of the reasons forums like this can be so useful.
But honest disagreement, lack of empathy and personal judgement are three very different things.
And, in fact, it was precisely because of this kind of attitude from some forum members that I had largely stopped posting here.
However, after reflecting on this experience, I have actually decided to do the opposite.
I will post more often.
I will read carefully and engage with the people who have the generosity to genuinely try to help — whether they agree with me or not — and who contribute something useful, thoughtful or constructive to the discussion. Those are the exchanges that make a forum worthwhile and from which we can all learn.
And I would strongly encourage other members to participate too. If you have something to share, a concern, a difficult experience or simply a question, do not let the behaviour of a few people silence you. Share it.
If someone responds in a disrespectful, dismissive or unnecessarily personal way, you do not have to give that person your time or energy. Simply ignore them and direct your attention towards the people who are genuinely trying to help, contribute something useful or engage in good faith.
That is where our energy is best spent.
If this forum is genuinely intended to be a place for members to share difficult experiences and help one another, then people should be able to post when something upsetting happens without wondering whether complete strangers will turn the discussion into an analysis of their personality or character.
We can disagree — strongly, if necessary — and still remember that there is a real human being on the other side of the screen.
