Hi everyone,
We recently applied for a sit and sent a thoughtful, friendly message. The homeowner replied warmly, saying we seemed like the perfect match and that she’d love to have us. So far, so good – but we hadn’t confirmed anything yet, nor had we spoken or scheduled a video call.
Just an hour later, she messaged again saying she had already booked her flights, confirmed our application so we needed to just hit the Agree button, and asked when we could chat. Along with this, she shared that she’d recently lost her father and was in urgent need of a break, and , thanked us for coming. 
While I fully understand that she’s going through something deeply personal, the combination of booking before chatting and emotional context left me feeling quite uncomfortable.
I suddenly felt like I couldn’t say no anymore – even though no agreement had been made. It felt like a subtle form of emotional pressure, almost like I was being guilt-tripped into saying yes. And while the intent may not have been manipulative, the effect was the same: I felt a bit cornered.
In the end, I decided to decline, because I didn’t feel good about how it was unfolding. I do not think this is a good start to a sit.
And I’ve noticed more and more posts where sitters mention that they agreed to something they weren’t comfortable with – not out of real alignment, but because they felt bad for the owner.
There’s actually a term for this: emotional manipulation or emotional coercion. It’s not always obvious or intentional, but it can really distort the balance we need in these arrangements.
How do you deal with it when guilt or emotion gets mixed into the decision?
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I deal with it the way you did: I walk away. It is a life skill that took me decades to develop but I’ve learned that no one can take advantage of me without my permission.
There are over 8 billion people on the planet. BILLION. The best way to form effective relationships with the handful you have time to meet is to walk away from the ones that are clearly not a fit.
The nature of THS lends itself to the risk of oversharing. We’re showering, eating, relaxing, etc in private spaces and with people’s most loved pets. It’s easy to misunderstand this and be overfamiliar, like you would be with a family member. I make a conscious effort to maintain professional boundaries without being cold, and appreciate it when HOs do the same. Like a recent HO was going to a funeral, and I knew that, but they didn’t unload on me about their grief - they just stated, matter-of-factly, that they were going to a funeral and didn’t give any more details. They have friends and family for that, and when I’ve just met them I am neither. I am there to care for their pet and their home, not their emotional health (Yes, yes, on repeated sits you might become friendly. But in most cases HOs and sitters cross paths one time and one time only)
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Manipulation would be a red flag to me, so I’d automatically move on.
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If the homeowner is new to THS they may think that is how it works. You apply, she thinks you are a good match and it’s a done deal.
I always ensure that when I apply for a sit I state that if they wish to take things further we should have a no obligation chat first.
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She had 7 5-star reviews. And I made it very clear in the first message that I need to chat first before we move forward.
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You can’t say fairer than that! Not new to THS.
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Walk away is our action step.
If a Pet Parent starts interaction with a red flag then more will appear. Such actions are a symptom of some form of unreasonable mindset that will probably lead to unfair trade, onsite surprises or other nasties.
It’s entirely possible that a Pet Parent does not properly understand THS process. Perhaps they misunderstand the difference between a housesit application and a housesit confirmation. Perhaps they can’t conceive of the possibility that a housesitter may decline their listing. Perhaps they’re just swept away with emotions. All understandable. But doesn’t change the decision.
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We experienced something similar, just this week (though not via this platform): we applied for a short sit which was due to commence in 5 days time.l The pet parent responded quickly, saying they’d had a sitter cancel on them. We asked her to confirm what time they’d need sitters to arrive and to leave (using exactly that terminolody) and she responded. We replied with that we couldn’t meet those times exactly and stated what we could potentially manage. We received the official invitation to the sit that evening but decided to sleep on it before arranging a video call. We subsequently decided it was not a good fit for us, we had received other sit offers for a longer duration and which did not necessitate such a long interim stay in hotels, so we declined the offer the following morning.
Well, we received several abusive messages in response, stating how very disappointed she was that we’d ‘cancelled’ and that we should ‘refer to our code of conduct’! She stated her first sitter had cancelled for medical reasons and alleged it was totally unacceptable that we’d cancelled ‘for financial reasons’. She claimed she’d booked her flights and hotel accommodation and called our integrity into question, big time. I respectfully pointed out that we hadn’t cancelled, we’d simply declined her invitation, but she was having none of it and another abusive and rude message was received, whereupon I suggested she should educate herself regarding the protocols of house sitting, and that perhaps paid sitters would suit her situation (and outlook) better.
As I say, this was via another platform (and one we probably won’t use again) but it shocked me rather, and does highlight that some pet parents just don’t understand that a sit isn’t valid until confirmed by the sitter via the website. This particular pet parent proved to be so entitled and downright rude when we turned down her offer that I feel we’d dodged a bullet.
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It’s good you acknowledge that it’s not always intentional. Different people have different styles of communication. I try not to judge the intentions of others. I go by my gut and experience and my own emotional radar.
Ultimately, it’s not important if the host was consciously trying to manipulate you because of some secret horrid condition not disclosed, or just expressing releif and thankfulness and didn’t really “get” how this works. You felt something wasn’t right and you acted on your feeling.
I would have done exactly what you did in declining.
I’ve seen too many forum posts where the first question I ask upon reading is: Why did you take that crazy sit in the first place?
The counterarugument is that many hosts don’t use THS much and don’t understand how it works and make themselves very vulnerable by not vetting sitters or even making sure that the expectations on both sides are clear via a chat. The homeowner may simply think that if you apply you want it with no reservations or need to talk about it.
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Agreed. This is something we’ve encountered on several occasions.
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Free will.
Walk away from anything that makes you uncomfortable. That goes for hosts as well as sitters. Circumstances that I find acceptable may be a huge red flag for someone else so it’s very hard to have a valid opinion in the initial poster’s dilemma.
One thing I will emphasis is do not respond to abusive behaviour with emotions. State facts then leave the conversation.
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