@avidtraveler Thank you for providing a little more context and explaining what happened. It makes it easier to understand the situation you found yourself in. Your experience may also help other hosts and pet sitters who are reading along to make informed decisions for themselves.
Yes I think this plays a part for sure.
Some sitters may feel uncomfortable asking certain questions or making certain requests at the outset–maybe they worry they will seem high maintenance or difficult or who knows what else?
Also there can be discomfort with saying ‘no’ to requests that they personally view as beyond the scope of their responsibilities or they feel are inconvenient. I have yet to find myself in such a position–it would have to be a pretty big ask or something I felt I was not equipped to handle to actually say ‘no.’
I think there are lots of aspects to this exchange in addition to overall communication style and personality that cause issues in this regard; and one thing I have always stressed here is if people are reluctant to ask certain questions, make certain requests, set certain boundaries and the like, because they are worried about upsetting the host, creating an awkward dynamic, having their review potentially affected, lean towards people-pleasing,etc…it is just important to own they are making a choice to not address the issue because of their own discomfort and accept whatever comes with that choice.
This goes a really long way in making the situation easier to deal with because it helps cut down on all the irritation and resentment that tends to arise when we believe other people are taking advantage of us, putting us in awkward positions, not taking our feelings into account and all that other stuff that stirs up those feelings.
For example, if a sitter has encountered less than clean houses as of late, and it has become a point of concern for them, but they are uncomfortable broaching the subject of cleanliness with the host, or asking for a video tour of the home, they have to accept that they may find themselves in that situation again. But if they acknowledge they did not ask because they were uncomfortable doing so, and they end up in another dirty home, they will find it easier to deal with. I used this example as I have seen this one a lot here.
Sitters vary greatly in what they value, what they need, what is important and not important to them, what is a deal breaker,etc…and while some things may be obvious from the outset, some of these preferences and requirements evolve over time as they do more sits.
I personally don’t have a lot of true ‘deal breakers’ so I may not ask as many questions prior to confirming a sit as other sitters, whether right in my application message or during a chat. In all my years sitting, I have yet to encounter an unexpected third party or a house that smells like smoke, so these aren’t things I would directly ask about, but some people feel better getting confirmation about such matters.
Some of my biggest ones are things I can tell right from the listing so I just don’t apply, such as the sit being in a studio apartment or a really small space–I get antsy in such places, especially since I am traveling with another person–or the home looking cluttered.
To be honest I’m pretty bossy so I tend to take charge and manage the whole process, I’m an ex headteacher so it’s kind of part of who I am I’m afraid (the leadership thing). I’m also a retired therapist so quite good at evaluating mood/tone in communications. I think new HOs like how forthright I am, and I enjoy coaching them a bit. Of course I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, 
@BonnyinBrighton So recognisable: finding that sweet spot between adjusting to someone else’s tone and staying true to your own ‘yesses’ and ‘nos’. The older I get, the easier that seems to become, in my experience.
And I’m absolutely sure you have no trouble finding great sits! 
At the same time, there are many people who would love to learn how all of this works when they first start out. There are the official rules, of course, but there also seem to be quite a few unwritten rules and customs that you only discover along the way.
And not everyone is going to work their way through the entire forum to figure those out. 
Reviews are a good example. One of the unwritten customs I’ve picked up is that, generally speaking, five stars seem to be the default when the house is still standing and all the animals are alive, to put it in a slightly Dutch way. Of course I’m exaggerating, but only slightly.
If something really hasn’t gone well, people may give fewer stars in a particular category because reviews should still be honest and useful. But my impression is that this is generally done quite sparingly and, where possible, people prefer to resolve issues in another way.
You don’t necessarily know that when you first join TrustedHousesitters. You gradually discover these things by reading discussions, seeing how experienced members handle situations and learning the culture of the community.
So I wonder whether some guidance for first-timers could actually be really useful. People can be completely trustworthy and potentially make great hosts or pet sitters, while still having a lot to learn about how the platform and its unwritten customs work.
(I’ve done some teaching in my life too, but I’ll save that story for another time )
What would you think about a training programme for first-timers? #daretoask
The forum is a great place for support and learning from others, but when you have a specific question or situation, finding the right answer among all those discussions isn’t always that easy.
Thanks for expanding on the topic.
What I really appreciate about this community is both the necessity and the willingness to accept that people are different.
I liked your example of someone not asking for a video call to see what the house looked like because they were afraid to ask.
And I believe that when you know this about yourself and understand how it influences your choices and communication, it becomes much easier to deal with a house not being as clean as you had hoped. Hoping for something is not the same as being specific about your needs and wants and checking beforehand whether they can be met.
What I also took from your answer is that your preselection process is very well tuned to what works for you.
And IMO, you’re absolutely right that knowing who you are, what works for you and what doesn’t, is incredibly helpful.
My own example: when I see a spotless house, I always ask how that works in real life with pets around. So far, we’ve only met lovely people who were completely relaxed, kind and more than willing to help us let go of the illusion of perfection. 
But perhaps my most important selection criterion is this: can I find some humour in the description? Some sign of simply being human? That tells me quite a lot about whether we might be a good match.
Knowing these things about yourself increases the chances of finding a genuinely great match, and ultimately that works best for everyone involved.
I read the whole Forum for 3 mths when I first joined-it was an eye opener and I took notes.
I think a YouTube Channel could provide the information that is required.
I don’t consider questions a ‘dare’, but as a way of ascertaining compatibility. We’re all adults here, so it’s not a challenge to communicate with each other, surely?
I honestly don’t have any idea what problem you’re alluding to. Do you mean rejected at the application stage, or judged by receiving poor feedback, if one raises any issues of concern during a sit?
We include our deal breakers in our comprehensive profile, so hosts will have a good idea of what to expect from the onset, and that surely informs whether or not they decide on making contact. So, in that regard, I believe representing yourself with transparency in your profile is a necessary initial step for everyone.
The application - and subsequent response - further inform the potential match, don’t you think? How and what a person writes is quite telling, and affords opportunity for both parties to ask questions they feel are pertinent. It’s all about fact-finding, at the end of the day, and this is the time to ask any questions you may not feel confident in asking on a face-to-face basis. For example, are you - or any of your household - smokers? Ah, you only smoke outside? Sorry, this sit is not for us (this dealbreaker is stated clearly in our profile, so clearly they haven’t read it).
We nearly always insist on a video chat, so we can all suss each other out a bit more. New hosts tend to spend longer on this part, and we always invite them to ask questions - about us, our sitting experiences, or about how the exchange works - as well as asking if there’s anything they’re particularly concerned about. We ask them to tell us about their pet’s routine and what’s important to them so we can ascertain whether we want to spend time in their home and with their animal family.
New hosts with 3 rescue dogs were really concerned about leaving them with sitters, since they each had particular idiosyncrasies based on their earlier traumas. We all agreed a short initial sit with daily updates would be beneficial in this case, just to see how the dogs coped with being left with strangers. The hosts were happy for me to video the feeding and medication regime they demonstrated on our arrival, so I could refer to that as well as her welcome guide. When one of the dogs dug his heels in and flatly refused to walk on the lead, a quick message brought back advice and instructions (he always does that, speak gently but firmly to him, insist he walks on a bit and then he’ll be fine - he was). It all went swimmingly and we’ve now happily completed three further sits for them (they’ve also had two other sitters). I like to think we helped ease them into that confident mindset, simply by listening to their initial concerns and mutually working out what would help allay them. I also think we learned a lot from caring for those lovely dogs, each of whom was truly special.
If anyone judged or rejected us because we asked a question or raised an issue prior to confirming a sit, that’d be fine, as it would immediately denote incompatibility and allow us all to move on. Feeling comfortable with hosts is imperative; who wants to agree a sit where there’s a lack of ease or difficult communications between the parties?
I believe there’s no need for either sitters or hosts to build strategies or walk on eggshells. It’s really not that complicated, surely? Be your authentic self and build trust. That goes for most positive relationships, right?
I’m absolutely in the “be your authentic self” - within reason 
- camp. My partner and I just watched Ricky Gervais’s Alley Cats on Netflix, and it immediately came to mind when I thought about “being your authentic self.”
At the same time, I can see how first-timers - whether hosts or pet sitters - might find it challenging to navigate this “we’re all adults” culture.
Some people are “self-made persons” who are comfortable finding their own way, while others may need a little extra guidance. Some are fortunate to receive support from more experienced people like you and others in this thread. Others may appreciate this post and find some of its suggestions helpful.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. They may help first-timers co-create a positive first experience with TH.
Wow, I’m really impressed by how thorough you are! Who knows what the future might hold for TH - perhaps even YouTube? We’ll see!
There’s something a little ‘off’ about the way in which you respond to comments, it’s either due to Ai or corporate psychology ‘speak’ but honestly it doesn’t feel authentic. I wonder why this might be? Any ideas?
@BonnyinBrighton Thanks for asking. As English is not my first language I sometimes tell the answer in ai in dutch and have it rephrased. I have regurarly arguments with AI to be less ‘neutral smoothly’, bevause it squuezes humanity out of the answer. At the same time it costs less time: writing, rephrasing because sometimes it a challenge to not react ‘instinctive’ when you read about a situation.
The good that about AI is that it has no feelings.,
At the same time, writing without seeing someones face or hearing somes voice increases the changes for ‘misunderstandings’.
This message I made without AI and will have probably some faults, and is less smoothly written.
How is this?
(The last sentence is absolutely mine, and my way of talking including the emojie - last word I probably spellef wrong and this would be the time I would copy paste the whole message and get it through AI, with my standard annoying comment: don’t squeeze out my tone out of the message!!
)
Aha this makes sense now I wonder if it’s worth prefacing any Ai converted writing with a.quick explanation. Maybe this: (English is my 2nd language so I use Ai to tidy it up).
Thanks for the sugggestion.
Absolutely!
I temper my sit critiques, knowing there are often trade-offs. For example, one sit that I’ve done four times requires a comprehensive wipe down upon arrival but there is always a gift basket awaiting me!
@Whirld-Traveller Exactly! These are the things which makes the best and joyful experiences! Thanks for sharing 
I couldn’t agree more.
I think it is about communication - asking questions - getting clarification and consensus in many situations. We just started doing rural sits which we are loving, however no experience with dogs that wander the property freely - “they will come back” etc. We had questions about ticks which are a big problem here in Ontario. I asked what will happen if he sees a deer or coyote and they know their dog and said “he has no idea what to do and will do nothing” - He is a Swiss “carting dog breed” and true to form… he had no idea or cared about wildlife distractions. And having owned a golden doodle who was mostly retriever he was the exact opposite and chased a deer and got lost temporarily so sometimes our own history plays into our wanting to make sure that these pets are safe, secure and well cared for. It made me nervous on our first rural sit recently, but after a couple of days I understood yes this big dog is just going for his walk - do his business and then come back to hang out with his peeps. On the second day he wandered into a corn field on the edge of the property where the cattle corn is about 10 feet tall and I thought “OMG how is he going to find his way out” because I wouldn’t be able to - hence the term “CORN MAZE” . So I texted the owner in a bit of a panic. I went back inside and as they leave the door open most of the time, he came back in without a care in the world and laid down. Lesson Learned - Listen to the Owners when they talk about their pets. They even said he sleeps outside sometimes and that is ok. and sure enough one night he preferred it and I am wasn’t concerned.
Understanding host’s comfort level with giving their pets this freedom goes a long way. For this sit we were fortunate to be able to visit with them a week before have lunch and get a tour of the property etc. She wanted to meet me the day she was leaving at 9:30 am and I wasn’t going to leave where we live at 6:30 in the morning so I decided to get a hotel the night before which was 10 min from their place.
These are some of my recent stories…
@coastalcouplepei Thank you soo much for sharing those beautiful stories! It is soo recognisable. The worry or panic and relief when everything ends well. Also great that you learned to trust the hosts about what worked well and what not.
We learned so much so fast about especially taking care of dogs. It takes a bit of time to learn the character (treats does really help! ) and to attune to the preferences of each specific dog. Up till now, only great experiences, also with reactive dogs. In our experiences, these are the ones who really likes to hug!
And yes, we also love the sits more off the beaten track, but please let’s keep this a secret for our inner circle
Some of our best sits have been with new hosts. I think a tendency to micromanage is often a character trait - there are some veteran hosts who continue to micromanage, and some newbies who instinctively understand the mutual exchange nature of THS and are excellent THS hosts. They are often sociable people who are generally excited to meet sitters and get to know them.
I agree with your comments about looking for humour (or warmth or personality) in a listing. I am naturally drawn to this sort of listing.
We have just returned from staying with hosts who were complete newbies when we first sat for them. We went on to do multiple repeat sits. Then they moved to another part of the country but invited us to visit and stay with them as friends.
I had done sits with first time HOs and all was great. There was only one time with a host in Geneva that kept changing the timing, and then she wanted to come home for a few hours with her whole visiting family from Indonesia (I tried to be understanding about this) to wanting to be back overnight with the said family and wants me to go stay in a hotel for one night during the sit which I then did not agree unless she paid for the hotel (this too reluctantly because officially I’d be in the house but I wasn’t and what if something went wrong with the house or cat). She should have listed two sits if she wanted to do that. Luckily I delayed buying my flight ticket! Otherwise I’d be saddled with losses or unexpected cost of accommodation. My trip was a revisit to Switzerland and I wasn’t picky, just going with what sits were available for that duration.
I wish there’s a block function for us to filter out hosts 