I’m concerned that there just aren’t enough boxes for HOs to tick in their listings and we sitters are still applying blind, when so many essentials could be specified right at application stage. These are just a few that have occurred to me, based on recent experiences. Of course, it’s a far from exhaustive list. We need more - many, many more.
OK for sitters to re-decorate the house; with glitter? How about sell the house and retire to Midway Atoll on the proceeds?
What is the maximum ransom you’re prepared to pay for your pets a) collectively b) separately?
OK for sitters to teach the dog to give a very loud howl and fall down dead every time he hears the word “orange”?
OK for sitters to train your dragon?
OK for sitters to dance naked in front of the Ring lens, singing PollyWollyDoodle?
What time should sitters have loud arguments? Need these be with real people?
What colour socks should sitters wear on Sundays?
May sitters ask existential questions?
May sitters try to hypnotise your cats?
If allowing use of your car, OK for sitters to enter it in the Peking-to-Paris rally?
a) Don’t be silly
b) Yes, but I’ll need to get my sandwiches out of the glove compartment first
c) You GO, girl! Rah rah rah!
OK for sitters to entertain the 35th Dragoon Guards/ Female chorus line at the Folies (as applicable)
a) Yes
b) No
c) Yes, but not both at once.
High explosives: Yes or No?
OK for sitters to do crosswords? Simple or Cryptic?
OK for sitters to mock your cutlery? Loudly or quietly?
OK for sitters to draw up complex legal documents at your kitchen table? How about anatomical diagrams?
OK for sitters to replace all your outside plants with plastic ones?
a) Yes
b) No
c) Not the vegetables, please.
May sitters dematerialise in one room and re-materialise in another? Has your house been beam-proofed? If so: Accept the consequences – Yes or No?
What is your policy on Cossack dancers?
Do you know your sitters are raging arctophiles?
Is everything OK? Are you sure?


