Advice for building good relationship with host

Owner Questions, Advice & Chat
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Hi everyone,

I’m new to TrustedHouseSitters. I’m onto my third house sit. I’m on day 3 of a 2 month sit.

I’ve had something pop up in the first few days here that has shifted the vibe and I would like some advice as to how I can proceed to repair the situation.

This morning I was asked to do a video call with my hosts to discuss a couple of issues.

Unfortunately I felt the tone of the conversation was accusatory and unkind.

The issue related to their daily electricty bill significantly increasing since my arrival two days ago. This was due to two reasons.

The first was that I charged my rental electric vehicle (I wasn’t expecting to have an EV, but that’s all the rental company had). By the time I had arrived at the rural property (it took me 7 hours), it had run out of power. I needed to do a home recharge in order to reach essential ammenities. The rental company told me it would only cost a few euros to charge up at home. This meant I didn’t prioritise speaking to HO’s about an arrangement for this and was planning to reach out today to discuss. I was of course going to ask if I can pay for the extra electricity for home charging, or alternatively offer to charge elsewhere. Further context, on arrivial I was sick and that had also delayed me having that conversation. On reflection and learning, I should have raised this immediately with them. I accept this.

The second issue was the rise in the temperate of the home system. I have come from the summer and found the temperature cold. I raised the base temperature by 2 degrees for the first day. What I had missed was the memo that I needed to speak to them before raising the temperature. That message had be ralyed to me verbally by the friends who were doing the handover. Being both sick and exhausted from the 7 hour drive, I had missed this and it was not in the notes provided to me in the welcome pack.

Fast forwrd to taday, I got a text at 5am asking to speak to me on video call. I called them immediately at 8am. They started the conversation saying “I want to cut to the chase… our electricity charges have gone from 8 euros to 25 euros”. Immediately I said it would be the car and the increase in temperate, and begun to problem solve with them and explore how we could rectify the situation.

Understandably they were annoyed. I would be too. However, I felt really upset by the way they were talking to me on the call. They didn’t ask questions, or listen closely to the wider context I provided and my experience. They were clearly feeling quite deeply (which I empathise with) and effectively told me too. They said things like “You were told…”… “We wouldn’t pay for your petrol, we are already providing you with a house and electricity”. It felt like a real power imbalance in the conversation. The vibe was off. I felt my honesty and integrity were in question, which felt jarring.

Towards the end of the call they said in a weird tone “so is there anything else out of the ordinary that we need to know about?”.

Throughout the call I stayed calm, acknowledged and validated their experience, but also tried my best to provide context for my experience. I gave a committment to stop the car charging at home and together we went and turned down the electricty to the lower amount.

I am human. I make mistakes. But most importantly, I take responsibility and always stay open to learning.

I reached out over text to apologise again for not discussing the car charging earlier and that I have learned from the situation. I then asked if they could please share their bank details and I would transfer the difference. I thanked them for raising it with me quickly, allowing us to problem solve it. That message was sent over 12 hours ago and I have not recieved a reply.

I have been feeling upset all day about this because this was the first conversation we had after I had arrived and I just want to feel like things have been able to start on a positive footing. Right now I feel like I am walking on eggshells and the vibe is off. I’ve attempted to repair through my follow up contact, but perhaps our communication styles are not aligned here and that may not be the same priority for them.

I’m curious to learn from other sitters on this one. How have you repaired in a situation like this?

I am grateful to be here, but equally I don’t need to be here also. 9 weeks if a long time to be somewhere if the vibe feels off and that’s not something I will do to myself - I respect myself too much for that.

What to do, what to do… I would really love to learn from others on this one.

Many thank yous

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Welcome to the Forum @matthew1. Sorry it’s under these circumstances.

Time. Time heals. They might feel embarrassed about lashing out at you the way they did, before they heard your side of the story about the rental car etc.

I know it’s hard, but just let try to let it go, for now. You won’t be charging your car there again (presumably), so let it go. You offered to pay for the extra electricity usage, if they don’t respond, let it go. Be yourself, be mindful and just continue the sit in a respectful manner. It’s early days, don’t judge too harshly. They might well be tired and jetlagged too. Hopefully the next few days and weeks flow back to normal for everyone.

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That is terrible! It would me make want to leave.

When I had a micromanaging HO who were dissatisfied and questioned my mental faculties, I offered to leave the sit and be replaced. Yes, that got me a bad review but at least it shut them up and it was possible for me to continue.

Exactly!

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You sound very equitable. The HO sounds very reactionary and condescending. You made every effort to right the situation, so it sounds like you did everything you could. My input is, give it a beat to see if things cool down. But if they react that strongly to something that is not truly a crisis and don’t see that they were actually poor communicators, it is kind of a red flag.

Sounds like you won’t charge your car there again or want to work out payment to do so. However, with the interior heat, that is very much their responsibility. The HO’s needed to discuss that prior to confirmation, not upon arrival. You don’t have to defend your need to be comfortable or, even worse, be uncomfortable.

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Hello and welcome @matthew1 …

I’ve read your post and considered things a bit.

As no surprise there is a lot going on here.

Certainly tone and mannerism are hard to ignore but in the end, their handling of the situation says more about them than you.

We can come up with a lot of maybe’s here but really, it’s all about how you handle yourself in the situation and handle the situation; second guessing and hindsight are life’s nemisises.

Try not to let their vibe change YOU in this case.

It may not be comfortable now but this is probably not the first time you have found yourself in an odd vibe just under different circumstances. Bump in the road…we all know 'em well…

Stay true to you - whatever that may be.
You can’t change or control the home host but you can do you.

The tone of your post seems very reasonable and well mannered.
I believe you will handle this well.

Keep us posted…

PS: if hindsight could post, it would say to hold onto written communications and do get any changes to the sit that may arise in writing.

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Just breathe.

Start a journal about this Sit. You never know what might happen.

I hope that the house, pets, and location are wonderful. Revel in your Owner-less surroundings! You are the Boss now.

Enjoy!

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I imagine the owners are taking some time to cool off. They are likely as freaked out by this coming up on Day 3 of a 2-month sit as you are, and perhaps, like you, questioning how to move forward and possibly whether this is ultimately a good fit. Hopefully they will come around and work with you to get back on track.

The upside of this happening right off the bat is that the rest of the sit might be amazing, and this will be just a hiccup.

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Please consider that it was not the best thing to do to increase the heating by 2 degrees and charge the entire car electrically at the HO’s house without saying anything.

Of course, the owners’ reaction wasn’t appropriate either, but there are always two sides.

I would write to the owner that you unfortunately found yesterday’s communication unpleasant from their side even if you can understand their anger and that you hope that appropriate and good communication will be possible between you in the future.

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To me it sounds like micro management on their part. To have to get permission in advance to temporarily change the heating by a mere 2 degrees is extreme, you can’t predict the weather changes and a sitter needs to be comfortable. Was that in the welcome guide? Charging the electric car is another matter, but again 25 euros is not a huge amount as a one off, and they are getting 2 months free care for their pets and security for their house. The fact that they jumped on it so quickly and contacted you at such an ungodly hour would be a red flag to me. Also that they wanted to watch you turn the temperature back down again, that is rather untrusting on their part. I hope the rest of your sit goes well.

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Once trust is broken it can take some time to be restored. If the homeowners were already concerned about an increase in use of fuel to heat the home and had requested to be informed about raising the temperature of the home .( verbally at handover ) . Then, I can see how a huge unexplained ( at that point ) daily rise in the bill would have alarmed them .

You say that you were sick on arrival so they may also have been concerned that you were not well enough to take care of their pets or might have to leave the sit early.

Due to no communication from you at that point, they requested a video call .
It’s positive that the homeowners spoke to you straight away to discuss it with you and get things sorted. Communication is vital to build trust.

Offering to pay for what you have used is a good first step . The unread message may be due to different time zones ( or if they are on a cruise on a sea day )
Additionally you can reassure them by informing them when you have located an alternative place to charge the vehicle.

Provide the regular pet updates as agreed with them. Let them know when you are feeling better and fully fit so they are not unduly worrying that you might leave the sit early.

Likely once they see that you are keeping to your word and no longer charging the vehicle at home they will have their trust restored and the remainder of the sit will go well.

As a side point, I suggest that you go back to the rental company if switching a petrol car for an EV for a rural sit for 2 months is not going to work .
(In some countries rural locations do not have charging stations available and you will need to travel some distance and be away from the home and pets whilst you are charging the vehicle for a considerable amount of time )

The rental company need to come up with a solution of switching the car back to what you originally requested and have paid for.

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Sorry you’re in this situation. They frankly sound mean. You don’t have to stay there if you don’t feel comfortable or respected. You can make clear that their tone and temperature management are not ok.
You’re a human being with human needs who is doing them a kindness. And they don’t care about you being sick? That’s unkind. You’re not a robot or a slave.

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I think the problem here was, that the HO did not know, why the cost was so much more than normally. They just saw that the cost of energy was 25 euros in stead of 8 euros. If that would go on for the entire 2 months, it would mean over 500 euros extra for them.

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No matter how worried you are, you can still show respect to your sitter.

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I think this is the root of the problem. If homeowners have already left when we arrive we immediately send a text message reassuring the homeowner that we have arrived safely and that everything is ok at the home and that the pets are ok. From then on we provide regular updates to the homeowner . If we any encounter any issues during the sit we inform them immediately, that is a sitter’s responsibility.

So not making contact for two days unfortunately got you off to a bad start. If you were too ill to send a text for two days then understandably the homeowners would be concerned that you were also too ill to take care of their pets .

You mention the 7 hour drive several times - did you plan for this or was it a surprise to you ? Was the arrangement that you were due to arrive earlier in the day ? Just trying to understand the context from both perspectives.

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Thank you for your perspective on this, I appreciate this. We had a video call a week prior and the first thing I did when I arrived was text to confirm all was OK and that we had completed the handover (with their friends). They responded positively.

What I hadn’t factored in was how I was going to charge the electric vehicle (which I wasn’t expecting to get), which was empty on arrival. I should have mentioned to them immediately, but because the rental company had said it would only cost a few euros a day I hadn’t prioritised this in the context of being ill/jetlagged. I had popped on my life admin list for yesterday to reach out and discuss a permanent arrangement.

The issue primarily I don’t think is whether they were justified in raising it, they were absolutely. It was the tone in which is was raised, which wasn’t respectful. But they are human too and we move on. Thank you

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Yup. As I said, there is no denying this is an issue. how the conversation is raised was the issue. I felt disrespected and like there was a power imbalance in the relationship. Which is not what I signed up for with Trusted House Sitters. We are equals providing a non-financial exchange of services, speaing down to a sitter is just yucky. But we are all human, and we learn and move forward.

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They didn’t express any concern or change of tone when I mentioned I was sick. Which is funny, they are doctors.

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Thank you for this. Much appreciated!

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Thanks. As I said in my post - I accept that those things shouldn’t have happened. How the conversation was had was awkward. We are all human, we learn and move on.

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Thanks, some great suggestions there. I will start breathing.

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