Etiquette for staying after hosts return

Sitter Questions, Advice & Chat
1

I’m currently on a sit that is going great. The owners have been very appreciative of me taking their dogs on long walks daily and sending daily photos. They treated my daughter and I to a simple takeout dinner the night before their departure. And they generously invited me to stay in the home the night they return, since my flight isn’t until the next day.

My question: They’ll be getting home at around 2-3 p.m. and I’m a little nervous about how that afternoon/evening will go. Especially dinner. I have read here that some sitters make dinner for their hosts, but I feel awkward about suggesting that. It’s their home, their kitchen, and I feel like it would be almost like being territorial to have them come home to me cooking in their kitchen!

Maybe I could offer to run out and get some takeout for dinner since they will be tired from their trip? Or just go out on my own for dinner and come back later in the evening? Maybe once I finish cleaning I should go out before they get home to allow them to have a peaceful arrival, and just return later to spend the final night?

They are super nice and I’m sure will be kind whatever I do. I’m just shy and nervous!

2

I am surprised you are still staying if they arrive in the afternoon. I usually leave. I have only stayed if they arrive around midnight. So I don’t have any experience with this. Only coming the evening before. I would leave dinner up to them. First, you don’t know their food preferences. And they might just want to order pizza. And if their schedule is such they really don’t want to eat, you may just want to go out yourself and get dinner.

3

You have options so choose what makes you feel comfortable. You could cook for all of you, you could order takeout or you could cook for them and leave them to it. Really depends how comfortable you are, we have done all of the above when we have flights the next day. Usually a shared meal has been great fun. By the time they’re back, catch up on the pets, let them unpack & you all then eat it will be at least 7/8pm and you can head to your room if that’s enough shared time. Just be you, it will be easier than you think. #hospitalityhappiness

4

Personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable cooking for them while they are there.
What I tend to do is prepare something like a tray bake that can be popped in the oven when needed. That way if they are jet lagged and not up for a full meal they can use it another time. I have prepared soup or purchased cheese, cold cuts and nice bread in the past.
I usually speak to them first and ask if they have any preferences.
It would also depend on whether I was staying over on the evening they return.
Of course there is no obligation to do anything at all.

5

Hi @CarrieGSD :slightly_smiling_face:

This is such a lovely “problem” to have — it usually means the sit has gone really well and everyone feels comfortable with each other.

Over the years, when we’ve found ourselves in this exact position, we’ve leaned toward keeping things simple, thoughtful, and very low-key for the hosts. What’s worked beautifully is preparing something in advance that doesn’t involve actively “being in their kitchen” once they walk through the door.

For example, we’ll often put together a simple cheese & fruit platter ahead of time, and have an easy, no-fuss meal ready to go that doesn’t require any cooking while they’re home. That way:

  • they arrive to something welcoming

  • there’s zero sense of you “taking over” their space

  • and no pressure on anyone to perform socially when they’re likely tired

It also gives them an easy option — they can nibble, chat, or just unwind, depending on their energy.

In terms of timing, we’ve found it’s nicest to be there to greet them (pets settled, home clean, quick handover), and then just read the room. Some hosts want a bit of a chat and decompression, others are quietly exhausted. Having that light food option sitting there means you don’t need to make any big offers or decisions in the moment.

If it feels more natural to you, a simple “I’ve put together something easy for when you get in — no pressure at all” lands really well and keeps it relaxed.

The takeaway is: you don’t need to disappear, and you definitely don’t need to orchestrate dinner. A small, thoughtful touch plus flexibility tends to hit exactly the right note.

You’ve clearly been a wonderful sitter — this is just the gentle landing at the end

:paw_prints: :heart:

6

No advice to add to the excellent supply you’re already getting. But just a semi-funny story I’ve been wanting to get off my chest:

Sat for a seemingly very friendly couple. First sit went well, although I was perplexed by the wife’s insistence I arrive by mid-afternoon the day before they left.. And stay until the morning after they returned. They were only going about a hundred miles away. Anyway, they gave me a great dinner and although I felt a bit awkward and in-the-way when they got back, it went OK. Lifelong friendship was sworn and they invited me to sit again not long afterwards.

Again, the wife insisted I should be there twenty hours before they left… And stay until the morning after they got back. By this stage, I knew the house and the cats’ routines and there was clearly no real reason for me to be there; my ControlFreakdar was starting to twitch. They were only away for a long weekend - and again, not going far.

Off they went and I had a good weekend with the cats. But there were several messages from the HOs about how tiring their trip had been (they went to a wedding) and how they’d be coming home exhausted and wouldn’t be good company.. etc etc. Fledermaus indignostat at this point is pinging: “So why TF did you insist I should hang around then?”

But I tactfully found a reason to be out when they got home on Sunday afternoon and sat shivering on a beach until it seemed late enough to re-appear. I also made sure I had something to eat. Which was as well, because I returned to find my hosts staggering around like ballerinas in the last stages of The Dying Swan, weak with weariness. But not too weak to make themselves a nice pasta dinner, which they ate while I sat in another room. They then retired to bed, the husband assuring me I should feel free to make tea or watch TV.. Which I set out to do. Only to have the wife emerge, wild-haired and boofy-eyed, to complain that the creaking floorboards were keeping her awake. I retreated to my room, coming out only to tip-toe, heart in mouth, back to the kitchen to put down water for the obviously thirsty cats and grab the remains of a bottle of wine I’d bought earlier.. Spent the rest of the evening feeling like the Prisoner of Zenda and couldn’t wait to go home.

Concluded the wife had only forced me to be there for all that extra time.. Because she could.

This will NOT happen to you. And I will laugh about it. One day.

PS I’ve also arrived four hours early, as requested… To have the HOs seem completely taken by surprise. It took ten minutes for them to give me the cat-care and house routine instructions. The rest of the time, I perched on a sofa, peering round its arm, trying to make polite conversation, while they made and ate their lunch. “Awks” doesn’t begin to cover it.

7

I’d suggest asking hosts what you can do to make their return easier rather than asking if you can arrange any specific thing. I understand a sitter’s impulse to want to reciprocate for any meals or significant groceries handled by a host at the beginning of a sit. But the situation at the beginning of a trip is entirely different to that at the end. At the beginning, some stress or comfort is tied to whether a sitter (likely new to our area) settles in with ease. Hosts covering arrival meals can be very helpful in pursuing that goal. But at the end, hosts are returning to their home turf and know what’s what and where. It can be helpful and is always appreciated when a sitter offers to handle return meals and/or pick up a few fresh grocery items (fresh milk and yogurt would save us a day 1 trip to the store). We invariably decline any offer of return meals. We have typically been traveling home over a day or three and only have sleeping in our own bed on our radar. Planning ahead for those long hauls home includes what to do about meals along the way. Sitting through a meal at the end would be a burden on my already frazzled state. So ask. Please don’t suggest and definitely don’t impose.

8

I dislike cooking so I/we wouldn’t cook for HO’s. Nor do I bake cakes or bread for them returning, no, nope, no way, never happening, it’s just not me. But I’ll happily buy something from a shop for them to enjoy.

In your scenario, I’d do a takeaway, just pop them a message beforehand so that everyone knows what’s happening.

With you being a little shy, word it in a way, that gets the exact result you want “It’s so lovely of you for letting us stay on the night you return. Let’s do a takeaway on the night, our treat :blush:”.

9

I, too, am puzzled why you are staying over if they are arriving in the afternoon…could it be you cannot travel until the following day?

This has happened to us and I am like others here, no way I want to be using someone’s kitchen while they are there (though I have done it for sits we’ve done multiple times for people who treated us like extended family).

I want them walking into a PRISTINE and perfectly clean kitchen so I do NOT want to make it dirty once they are home.

If you truly have to be there until the next day, I’d offer to have something ready to eat or ask them what they’d like to do about dinner. They may say “oh we plan to grab some take out on the way home” -

My go-to is to make a quiche in advance of cleaning the kitchen. This is something easy to heat up and then I have a salad all prepped (of course I tend to ask if there are foods they cannot or do not eat). In nearly 30 plus sits, I’ve only done this a handful of times bc usually we leave before or just when they get home. Once the HO’s insisted we all go out to dinner (their treat).

I would ask them how you could be helpful.

I usually say “I know what it is like to return from a trip tired, needing to unpack, do laundry, settle back in…what would be most helpful to you? I can get out of your hair if you like, or I can have some dinner ready for your return. Whatever is most practical and comfortable for you” - something like that.

10

I would ask them what they would prefer, if they would like you to cook choose a simple meal, spag bol, lasagne etc, with maybe some garlic bread, or pizza. A meal would definitely be nice as you will all need to eat and from your point of view it would be a thankyou for letting you stay that night.

11

I also was told to arrive for a sit early afternoon, when I could have arrived after dinner. the wife was still at work. The husband was sitting watching TV and I was so annoyed that I was there. That was the same place the wife poured herself a glass of wine before dinner and didn’t offer me any. I hate spending any time I don’t have to at a home with hosts.

12

I assume since your shared a meal before you left that you have an understanding of their dietary preferences…so I would just go ahead and offer to prepare something simple. Nothing wrong at all with spaghetti and jarred sauce with a salad, easy to prepare, filling but simple after a long day of travel. Or if you prefer, wait until they arrive home and offer to order/pick up a pizza.

After dinner just help with dishes and then politely excuse yourself to your room as you would have some packing to do yourself, to stay out of their way as they begin to unpack.

13

HO here - it sounds like you have good rapport with the HOs, so just ask how they’d like to handle the return. There shouldn’t be any expectation of you making or providing them dinner, but there are ways to make them feel welcome back to their home. Mostly, ensuring that their home is clean (relative to how they left it) and their pet is happy. Dog recently walked, or catbox just cleaned, any feeding near their arrival taken care of.

Keep in mind they might be really tired from travel, so giving them space to decompress might be the kindest thing you can do. The savviest sitters I’ve had still at my place when I returned have given a quick welcome and then made themselves scarce - something I didn’t know I needed but I was grateful. Maybe leave it open and say you were planning to do [whatever] for your dinner and would they like to join you? You should not feel obligated to treat them, though.

14

Great question! I have my first meet and stay the night coming up. The responses have been helpful as well.

15

I, too, would not be comfortable staying after the hosts’ return regardless of how lovely and welcoming they were.

But that is a very individual thing.

A couple of ideas if you wish to stay

  1. Take the reins : What do you want to do ? Decide and then present the idea to them (e.g. “Thanks for letting us stay with you another night. My daugher and I really want to try restaurant ‘x’ - or whatever - while we’re here. We look forward to seeeing you when we return at ‘y’pm”).

  2. Let them call the shots: “ We’d love to stay another night and want you to relax when you get home. We’re happy with whatever plans you might have. Please let us know whether you would like us to make you dinner or grab some take out for all of us. We’d also be perfectly happy giving you some down time upon your return and meet you later in the evening “.

Communication, as ever, is the key !

16

Agree with communicating with your (potential) hosts, because circumstances, dynamics and personalities always differ, from possible pairing to another.

Me, I have never struggled to feel comfortable and communicate with hosts, including arriving a couple of days early (worked for my telecommuting logistics) or being invited to stay on for extra days. And I don’t cook at all. Ever.

Depending on the hospitality I’ve received and whether I’m there after the hosts return, I have alternatively offered to pick up grocery basics, take delivery if they want to order groceries, take them out to reciprocate for a meal, etc.

There’s not a “standard.” Do what feels good and is gracious, if that’s what you’re aiming for. Some hosts for instance have offered to take me out, or invite me for a thank-you, home-cooked meal after their return, because I stayed in town to sightsee. Nothing feels forced — that’s the key thing.

I always try to be considerate and create the least pressure if I’m staying over. Like I offer to make myself scarce so they can decompress after their trip, without me to worry about. But some hosts are social and are happy to discuss their travels or whatever.

No formulas or one size fits all. And even if you or the hosts typically have a preference, it might differ depending on the specific circumstances and dynamics.

People are not consistent robots.

17

Lots of good advice. What you end up doing will be as individual as the folks involved. I’m one of those who will ask “can I pick up any groceries for you” (other than what I ate & replaced) or would they like anything for dinner. I don’t recall anyone has ever asked for anything. I am NOT a cook. But I have made soup, which went over really well, and picked up muffins or something similar.
Also very individual whether you are comfortable staying. If the introduction/handover and communication have gone well, the return should be comfortable. If they’re really tired, I’d just make myself scarce as has been mentioned already – “you must be tired; I’ll just go…” pack/be somewhere else/whatever.
I’ve had some great before/after stays with honestly some of the best conversations I’ve had in literally years :rofl: Several of those couples ended up feeling like extended family. Hopefully @CarrieGSD , your experience will be like that too :slight_smile:

18

We’ve not often stayed for any length of time after the hosts have returned but, when we have (and depending on the scheduled time of their return) we’ve happily prepared something simple in advance, so we can share a bite to eat when they get in. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate; a simple soup (which can easily be reheated) and some good bread goes down well after a long journey. They can take it or leave it, since it can stay in the fridge as a standby if they’ve other plans, or be used as a supper dish, or for lunch the following day.

As has already been said, just do what suits you and communicate. You’ve already shared a welcome meal and it sounds like that went well, so you’re no longer complete strangers.

19

Hi @CarrieGSD
I often stay an extra night post sit normally it works best if the hosts are flying in that day and I fly home the next day. Less stress if the hosts flight has delays etc.
What I do is to ask if they need anything for arriving back and what about the evening meal? While I have offered to cook no one has accepted this so far! But happy if they do.
Also best clarifying if they still want me to feed their pets. And change the litter tray as I only sit cats.

20

That’s lovely that they are considerate of your next day travel and are allowing you to stay an “extra” night to accommodate that.

You might consider asking them directly what their preference is. They may want to treat you to another meal! A simple question to them “would you like me to have something ready for dinner upon your return?” Then wait for their reply. Takes the guesswork out.