Feeling hurt by HO reaction

Sitter Questions, Advice & Chat
1

We have been on TH for over a year and have completed around 35 sits on the app and many return sits off the app. We have a regular that often has us sit for them and have gone out of our way to make ourselves available to them when they need help, for example because there are three pet sitter’s on our family team, when we had another sit nearby we would split up to accommodate their needs, and my husband has fixed their tractor etc for them. We had an off app sit planned with them last week, and we have sat for them off and on since Jan for various trips they have taken.

In Feb I started having a terrible “migraine” that wouldn’t go away. I went to the dentist three times over the course of Feb and March and we talked about it when we would see them because the relentless neck and head pain was so consuming that my husband was doing all the work of caring for the animals and I was mostly just a snuggle friend and I wanted to be transparent about that.

They were fine with that and suggested acupuncture etc. I expressed my gratitude to be able to hang out with their dogs when I wasn’t feeling well bc that truly is comforting to me. We have sat for them probably 12 times in the past year so there’s been a lot of communication back and forth.

In Jan they really needed a sitter but we were booked and my daughter agreed to do the other sit (also off ap, a regular who we have sat multiple times for)so that we could watch their dogs and accommodate both families needs. I explained to the husband who does the booking with us that we would be responsible for the other family’s home as well and that if something should happen (such as an emergency) I might need to switch places with my daughter who is 23 and had briefly met both dogs at this sit as well. He agreed to that and during the sit in Jan unfortunately the worst happened and one of the dogs my daughter was watching had to be put to sleep.

It wasn’t entirely unexpected and we had a plan in place. So my daughter and I switched places and my husband came with me because the poor old girl was a giant breed and it would take us all to lift her into the car. I informed the husband of the other sit we were switching places and that F… would be watching their two dogs for a little while until this situation was handled. He agreed, but said he wasn’t going to tell his wife because her mom also was in the hospital and he didn’t want to stress her out. I had bigger fish to fry in the moment and just did what I had to do without much thought about their communication in their relationship I felt like it was not my problem.

Fast forward to last Tuesday, my headache has not gotten better and I get sent from the dentist to the doctor to the ER to being admitted to the hospital for a dissected Vertibral Artery. I was walking around with a clot blocking my artery to my brain for a month and am so lucky to be alive.

The whole time I was in the hospital I was updating them because we had a sit starting on Friday with them. I sent them probably 10 updates over the three days.
As they do, the hospital was running behind and kept changing when I would be discharged. I kept informing them.

They said they found out they could bring their dogs on their trip if it would be too much trouble for me to keep them and I said they are no trouble, but I’m concerned about them being left alone for too long because the hospital keeps changing my discharge time.

Keep in mind I’m crying, throwing up, and my BP which is normally too low keeps shooting up to the 160’s. The pain is so severe I’m on iv morphine then switched to oral oxycodone and the doctors rx me 8 different anticoagulant and pain medications that will need to be picked up before we can drive to their house, and I use the tribal pharmacy that closes early because it’s free to me and other pharmacies arent so it was really important I get these medications.

Also the wife’s mom and uncle live very close like down the street from them.

Around 2:30 I get a text from the wife saying that they left at 11:30 and the dogs will need to be let out by 3:30. I still have an iv in my arm. We scramble and ask my daughter if she can watch the dogs if my husband drives her there. It’s about a half an hour drive and the pharmacy closes at 5. So we thought if he hurries and takes her there then he can drop her off then come get me from the hospital and take me to get the medicines. This was not an ideal solution but we were trying to help and care about the dogs too.
Then the following convo happened:

2 People >
Dog Mom:
This needs to get figured out. We’re four hours from home now but will turn around and drive back if we need to. It needs to be you or E… with the dogs, L… is not ok with strangers. Thank you

Me:
Ok. I will wait at the hospital and not get my prescriptions. Thank you.

Dog Mom

My mom is going to pick them up so take your time

Ok thank you I will tell E… to head back.

Dog mom
My mom is going to pick them up so take your time. Actually she is just going to meet you there, it’s a lot for her.

Me:
Ok thank you. I appreciate your patience. This whole situation has us all stressed out.

Dogmom

Yeah. Same.

(At this point I was so upset my BP shot up to over two hundred for the top number for 4 readings in a row. I sent her the MRI of my brain with a red arrow pointing to the artery that had no blood flowing through it in response and explained that this is a life changing diagnosis and that I truly need to get those medications because without them I could die.)

So my husband came back and picked me up, took me to get my meds, then we met her mom at the house.

It all worked out in the end, but I have this feeling that I can’t shake, that her dog’s comfort is more important to her than my life. I would understand even if her dog’s life was in jeopardy, choosing her dog who she has known longer. But the dog pees inside all the time (not when we are there, but they told us she does and we can smell it).

My feelings are so hurt and I felt so dehumanized by the whole exchange and I know I am sensitive and still in a lot of pain and getting used to new medications. But I still think that her response was a bit unhinged. My daughter said we should not help them again because they knew I was in the hospital and I updated them more than my own kids and they had the option to bring their dogs with them and chose not to.

Maybe I just needed to vent to some other pet sitter’s who have experience with this pseudo-social relationship we can have with pet parents we sit for regularly. I have no illusion they were my friends now. I don’t even think I’m human to them :broken_heart:

(Edited to remove names)

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2

I’m a bit confused, I’m sorry you are not well but I am not sure what you mean by off APP. Are you doing paid house sits? Because normally this would have been exceptional circumstances and THS would have have contacted the host on your behalf. I recently had to cancel a sit because my Mum was put into end of life care and TH and the owners were nothing but kind and understanding

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I don’t understand why you didn’t cancel the sit to be honest. If you don’t prioritise your health over other people’s pets then they probably got the wrong idea about how serious it was.

I hope you are on the road to recovery x

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I can understand why you feel so hurt. But it sounds to me like YOU thought their dogs comfort is more important than YOUR OWN life too :heart:!

There are times when sitting is just not appropriate, there are more important things in life, and you need to say no, and when hospitals are involved it’s a clear indication of when that time is.

I know your feelings a hurt, it shows your connection wasn’t quite as strong with them than you thought. Personally I think your daughter is totally right, and I really hope you come to the same conclusion, and sever those ties. You’ve gone out of your way to help them whenever you could, as they would have done with you too I’m sure, but it’s your family that has given up a huge chunk of your year to them.

But that said, to help cushion your hurt, you need to remember, the HO’s didn’t chose you originally because you were a 23 year old woman, they would have chosen you because you are a mature couple with decades of grown up life behind you, able to know how to cope with different ad hoc scenarios that arise… with a superstar 23 year old daughter as an extra bonus. So who they wanted sitting their pet didn’t change, your circumstances changed, so the sit should have just been cancelled instead with hindsight.

I hope you’re okay now, there are loads of brilliant HO’s out there, that will appreciate you trying to find solutions when things don’t go according to plan. Switch off to these, they don’t deserve the efforts you’ve gone to.

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I agree with the above posters, that you should have wholly cancelled the sit in these circumstances. Equally, however, I am astonished at the HOs’ reaction/responses. :open_mouth:

Hope you are recovering well.

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Given your medical needs at the moment, I feel it would have been more responsible for you to have cancelled any and all sits and prioritised your own recovery. Given that your condition is neurological, maybe your husband or daughter could - and should - have taken the initiative and cancelled.

Your health is the main issue, here. Your even thinking of sits at this moment in time is rather baffling.

Wishing you a swift and complete recovery.

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Wish you a smooth and quick recovery. That sounds painful and it must’ve been stressful to not know what you had. You’re very fortunate to have your condition diagnosed in time.

100 percent agree that you should’ve simply canceled the sit, given the seriousness of your health situation. The hosts sound like selfish jerks, but self-care is always your own responsibility. Avoid martyring yourself, because folks who do that invariably get taken advantage of sooner or later.

In your place, I wouldn’t sit for them again, no matter whether on the THS platform or otherwise.

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Agreed. You need to prioritize yourself and your health. Engaging with people who don’t treat you well is bad for your health! Treat yourself well and forget about them, or allow the possibility of forgetting about them in future

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I’m sorry to hear about what has happened to you. Please take care of your health first and foremost.

I think I understand how you feel because you realised all of a sudden that these people who you thought you had a good relationship with showed you that they have been taking advantage of you all along and only care about what you can do for them.

It’s a horrible feeling. I think that pet sitting can involve quite an intimate arrangement as you are staying in their home and becoming part of one another’s lives. You naturally think that there’s at least a mutual regard there. Sadly some owners don’t think this way at all and are only out for themselves. When these relationships break down it’s really upsetting as a sitter because you are losing access to their pets, who you care about deeply. It really sucks.

Hope you feel better soon and please don’t let these people cause you any more stress.

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The PP said to you that they learned they can take their dogs with them and offered that relieving your burden. Your answer was it wasn’t and you can continue with the sit. They only know what you tell them. At that point that just started the written agreement that the dogs become your responsibility once they leave and you adhere to their schedule.

It sounds like you are nomads right now and needed their place to stay. Are the sits off app free sits for a mutual beneficial arrangement?

Unfortunately once you agreed to continue the sit they expected the same care no matter of your situation as they did offer to take the dogs with them and you opted out. And yes their dogs at this point become their priority as they are more like children to most. You made your very serious condition not a priority so can’t be hurt that they didn’t either. Feel lucky to be alive and please make your health and your families health top priority over anything else. Having health is the number one gift in life, cherish it.

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Not paid, just that we sat for them once then instead of contacting us through TH they texted me and asked if we could sit for them directly. We still did it for free but that’s happened a lot. We have three families that we met originally on TH that don’t book us on TH anymore they just ask us and if we can do it we do. I don’t have a premium membership any more so I don’t have the “insurance” any more anyway so it’s been fine with me.

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I didn’t realize how bad it was until the last minute. I had been pet sitting the whole time with the same pain, the dissection happened a month before I ever went to the hospital and I honestly thought I was being dramatic even going in.

By the time I realized it was more serious it was the night before the sit and I was in shock and I was also on morphine and a bunch of other drugs that were new to me. It’s been 10 days now and I’m still in shock honestly. But yeah in hindsight I should have just said I’m sorry I’m in the hospital and I need to cancel the sit. Although it went fine once we were there.

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Thank you :folded_hands:

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In future I’d suggest always booking sits through the site. At least then you can get a well-earned review to help build your reputation. If hosts are booking you off the site chances are they don’t want to pay for membership but they still want a free sitter. I would not agree to that. If I did a sit off site I’d negotiate a payment..

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Honestly I don’t think it even occurred to them. My husband needs an interpreter so he didn’t fully understand what was happening until discharge when they brought someone to translate, and my daughter was not with us until he went to go get her. The whole thing feels like a fever dream to me now, but in hindsight that does make sense.

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That’s not exactly right because I said they are not a burden but I am concerned that they would be alone for too long because I don’t know when I will be discharged. We also house sit for them when they bring their dogs with them because they have a flock of birds to care for.
I fully expected them to bring the dogs with them or ask their mom to be a backup like they normally do.

I think the husband wasnt telling his wife what was happening because the tone in the group chat was totally different than where he was texting me separately.

I know it’s my problem that I didn’t want to let them down so bad. I didn’t even need to worry about a bad review or anything I just didn’t want to let anyone down.

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I think this is right because we were not benefitting from watching their pets for free when we already had another sit nearby that we were doing, we solely did it to help them out.

I just thought that was the kind thing to do but now I’m realizing that the husband wasnt even telling his wife ANY of what was going on and so she had no idea. For months my daughter has been meeting these dogs and the wife called her a stranger.

The funny thing is when we sat for them through TH I told my husband we will never sit for them again. They have interior cameras they didn’t disclose, and some dishes on the counter that said use only these dishes.- only one mug so my husband was like I guess we have to take turns. And Sticky notes everywhere saying things like “no wood in the dishwasher” “do not use” on spices and dishes, “one load a day only” on the washing machine. The dog couldn’t hold her pee any more and there was nothing I liked about it except the dogs. But they contacted us desperate when they were at the airport because their sitters got turned away at the Canadian border and we happened to be only 3 miles away and we got sucked back in. Then we developed this pseudo friendship that I just realized was all about us helping them when we aren’t even actually comfortable there. I kept telling my husband I want to go back to California it’s freezing here but they kept asking and I kept saying yes, I don’t even know why now. I guess it just makes me feel stupid like not only my feelings were hurt but I just feel kinda dumb.

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The more you share about these hosts, the worse they sound.

If you want to help people, I suggest being more selective — plenty of folks are kinder and more deserving and appreciative.

Anyway, don’t let them bring you down. Focus on your recovery and, when you’re better, cheers to much better sits, with better hosts.

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Don’t take it out on yourself @marrie as you have a much higher priority now - your own health. Sadly these owners have used your kind nature to repeatedly ask you to sit for them with no appreciation and no mutual exchange. Sometimes it’s hard to say No but apply it to them should they ask you again. You need some lovely sits on THS with owners who will treat you with respect and appreciate you, and pets that have no issues. Take care of yourself. :hugs:

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What she means is that after doing some sits on the platform they are just communicating off platform and don’t go through the whole business of posting because they already have an agreement. My husband and I have done it as well with some people who have become our friends and we have sat with them many times off platform.

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