I’ve been thinking about this some more, and I wonder if these HOs are simply socially awkward and unable to see things from anyone else’s perspective - which, in this case, of course comes over as rude. I wonder what their perspective on this would be: maybe they were sitting there sqirming about the situation, not sure of what to do. Or maybe they are like this to everyone (not that this makes it ok!)
Although offering a glass of wine surely would be in the capabilities of anyone.
One HO like this makes all the hospitable ones shine.
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@TheTinnedTomatoes Oh that uncomfortable experience makes me cringe with awkwardness! 
I’m surprised so many on here think its OK behaviour. Personally I think its rude & inhospitable of them not to offer to share food and wine with you and also thoughtless & inconsiderate of them not to have brought up the subject earlier so you could have made alternative dinner plans e.g going out to eat or go shopping for food.
We had a very uncomfortable experience once, in our early sitting days, where we drove 5 hours to a sit (in Spain) to arrive 4pm, as requested. We were hot and tired but were not offered any refreshment even though they had their own drinks on the go. They immediately started going through the handover details for the 4 pets etc. Finally I asked for a glass of water and hubby extracted a warm beer from our car. No snacks were offered either.
They had told us - before arrival- that they’d be taking us to a local tapas bar for dinner which sounded nice & welcoming.
Around 8pm we finally went out -not to a cosy tapas bar but a touristy kind of proper restaurant with a complicated menu you had to scan from a QR code stuck on the table onto your phone (a first for us!)
At a certain point in the ordering process it became clear they expected as to ‘Go Dutch’ (the wifes words) i.e split the bill. Awkward moment! In the end they paid but it was very strange and uncomfortable at the time…
Context- this was to be a 10 week sit so not unreasonable to have interpreted their comment of taking us out as a friendly invitation out!
That first day set the tone for a horror sit! But that’s another story which I’ve shared before…!
What we learned from that experience is to always clarify dinner plans ahead of time. If we are asked to arrived the night before and nothing is mentioned we do not assume anything - we ask.
We usually phrase it something like ‘Do you have any plans for a shared meal on our arrival evening? No expectations- but just so we can arrive prepared!’
Dinner is an important meal for us so we always want to know!
In most cases its clear- we are invited for dinner out or at home and they usually ask about food prefs etc
On a couple of occasions we’ve even cooked for the hosts on arrival!!
And if we are staying on a night after we always offer to cook for our hosts.
In all cases where we’ve clarified ahead of time we’ve had a lovely evening together and often the wine has flowed!
It really is all about communication!
So much awkwardness can be avoided by simply talking things through, being open but assuming nothing.
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Maybe they don’t ask friends or acquaintances round to their home often? The first thing I do is offer a drink and obviously, if it’s wine, then slosh some in a glass for visitors too.
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I think people don’t really think about this stuff. It is rude, but it not be intentional. I did have a similarish thing happen, but it was partly my own communication. They were leaving super early in the morning and the pet had a medical issue, so I wanted an in person handoff, which mean my driving up the night before they left. I figured they’d be busy, so I kind of offered to go over things, and get out of their hair for dinner so they could pack up and not have to worry about feeding me. They didnt argue and say, “Oh nonsense!”
I think it’s one of those things that needs to be discussed beforehand by both parties, so that if the homeowner wants you there for an in person hand off, or it winds up making sense because they are leaving early, then there should be a discussion about dinner. Some people feel socially awkward, and wouldn’t be comfortable sitting down with a strange family. That family may have assummed because it was two of you, you’d learn what you needed to, unpack your stuff, and want to go out, and it might only have slowly dawned on them that you hadn’t left and didn’t eat, so they said something. You could of course take a point off for “hospitality” or “communication” but IMO communication is a two-way street and as a big “planner” I would ask during a chat or in email, “Okay, so if get there that evening, before dinner to go over stuff, would you like us to clear out for a bit in the evening so you could finish your packing and getting ready?” Make it conversational, but make sure it’s all clear. And obviously if it’s a home in the country and you’ve had a long drive or don’t have a car, then that’s a whole other issue that needs to be addressed.
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Too bad you didn’t some excellent dessert to eat in front of them.
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We had exactly the same experience once. We felt just like you. I wonder if it was the same home owners? Anyway, now we ask if we should arrange our own dinner before we arrive or we make sure we have supplies (wine, cheese & crackers) just in case.
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Could you imagine ! 
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That would have made me feel so uncomfortable. Such unwelcoming hosts. I’m sorry you experienced such unfriendliness
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There are more people like that than you imagine if you are not that way. My daughter’s parents-in-law both were born and raised in the same small town/suburb and have never left. The first time I met them, when our offspring were not yet married but living together, we were in a restaurant with my daughter, their son, their daughter and one other person. They sat opposite me and were strangely silent. After I left, they said to their son, ‘So who was that, then?’ They didn’t know how to ask me leading questions to figure out who I was without asking me outright. They were so embarrassed when he told them!
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Your comments are some of my exact thoughts.
When we were working full time and taking a vacation, we would be SO busy packing, tidying up the house, and tying up loose ends at work before leaving.
The thought of entertaining guests with a homemade meal the night before leaving…ugh…we would definitely opt for taking the guests out for dinner or ordering takeout.
As a Sitter, it would be such a nice gesture to offer to make dinner for the Owners or pick up something simple to share if we are driving to their home. We are all human. We need to eat! There should not be any embarrassment in asking questions and clarifying expectations.
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That sounds strange altogether. Seems like someone at the table should’ve been able to raise that topic, unless everyone was socially awkward. Or is there some cultural reason for that, because some have expected roles for people to play, depending on social order or such.
If I were at a table where someone didn’t intro me or my connection, I’d just bring it up conversationally. And while I was doing that, I’d make other conversation.
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Oh dear, this has happened to me too. It’s so awkward and taints the beginning of the sit for me. In contrast, I’ve had a number of owners insist on either cooking for me, or even taking me out for lunch/supper, which is so kind (especially if I’ve travelled a long distance) and very much appreciated.
I’ve come to the conclusion that some people just don’t know how to be hospitable, and it’s my job to weed those home owners out beforehand.
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@Maggie8K I thought they knew who I was and did speak to them but I wasn’t sitting next to my daughter. They just didn’t engage much. We are very, very different. Our mixed nationality family is dispersed all over the world and theirs has stayed in their little corner of southern England for generations (except for their son who followed our daughter up north to Manchester). I have very occasionally met people like the hosts the OP described and am always baffled.
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It is baffling, because typically people who are well intentioned can get along even despite cultural and language differences.
For example, my elderly aunt and uncle, who spoke no English, met their son’s in-laws in the U.S. and figured out how to show goodwill and friendliness through their son interpreting for them and via body language and smiles.
Similarly, I did that with my fiancé and later husband even when we traveled and lived abroad and he met my relatives. One of my elderly aunts in particular loved to cook and my husband was keen to learn and appreciate her food, even though they didn’t speak each other’s language. They got along so well, with him often observing her while she cooked, that my aunt and uncle started inviting him for meals even when I couldn’t make it and interpret. He became their favorite, even more so than any of their own in-laws who spoke their language. 
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When I was stationed in Korea, my supervisor invited me over for Thanksgiving. He was American and his wife was Korean. She had cooked Korean dishes as well as American dishes that included a turkey, ham, and pecan pie which I enjoyed. I also enjoyed the Korean dishes of bulgogi, kimchi, and rice. I was a glutton that day and definitely appreciated the food she cooked. 
While she did not speak much English and I did not speak much Korean, food is a universal language that brought us together — despite our cultural and language barriers.
It was one of the best Thanksgivings I have ever had.
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Maybe it’s a cultural thing but I’ve been surprised reading the comments that a significant number of people seem to think that good manners and hospitality are not a given and should be negotiated. And, in addition, that such thoughtless hosts should not warrant criticism. Even servants are provided food even if they may not eat with their masters.
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We visited extended relatives in the Philippines and were horrified to discover that their servants ate from what we had left over from communal dishes. That’s just one example of differences when it comes to what some folks find acceptable.
Since THS sitters and hosts come from all over and have different backgrounds and expectations, it’s pragmatic to not expect universal hospitality.
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What is in «manners» is not the same all over the world, in all cultures, environments and among all people. Like the example of Maggie8k - if one asked them, they might even perceive themselves as generous and hospitable, providing food in addition to salary. Like americans think it is great to give tips and probably feel generous, instead of demanding that the employees get a wage to live on (mind-boggeling for me. I select businesspartners based on how they treat employees).
Even people close to us can have different perceptions.
I think it is important to thank for gifts. My children have been sat down after Christmas every year to write personal Thank you-cards, and we rarely get thanks in return. We invite people that never invite back. I previously had a friend that always asked for a ride but never offered (had car. Yes, I phased out that friend on purpose). This is not (only) cultural. I don’t expect people to be like me. If it is important, I will chose based on what is important to me. It is as we often say here 
unemotional and factual.
Interesting thread, and enlightening to see how we think differently. Thank you for sharing your insights.
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We are hosts and make it clear in our initial communication with potential sitters that we would like them to arrive the night before we leave and that this includes sharing a meal with us that evening (and probably breakfast the next morning if wanted!) We actually make this clear, because I’ve read in the Forum where some sitters have been worried/find it intrusive to be ‘expected’ to share a meal/home with the hosts before the host leaves. It’s the other side of the equation!
I personally would be uncomfortable with those sitters so I make my expectations clear from the start.
Having said that; maybe I offer as it’s so outside of my range of acceptable behaviour and expectations of hospitality, especially around meal times, that I wouldn’t be able to eat and drink comfortably unless they were included!
To go back to the OP’s question, yes I’d find it odd too and indeed I wouldn’t be able to do it. On the other hand my, not that surprisingly, ex-husband’s family had no problem with this! Thankfully the new husband (of 25years!) would never even consider this to be acceptable!
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i think that is really off and very rude. I have done over 50 sits, the majority arriving the evening before. Every time I have always had a meal with the owners and frequently been offered a glass of wine. all have been very friendly. In a couple of cases they have actually taken me out for an evening meal after my arrival. I have also been left my first couple of meals in the fridge, as well as some yummy deserts. And most owners do tell me to help myself to anything they have in the fridge. After a long drive, I would feel really put out if the owners sat down to a meal and told me to sort myself out with something to eat. Just not very welcoming at all.
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