Parody: Worst housesit listing ever?

Fun Stuff
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There’s plenty THS Forum threads on red flags. And we’ve seen some corker listings and had some learning experiences. For amusement, thought doodle a made-up worst housesit ever listing :innocent:. For absolute clarity, this is not a real listing :joy:
Some items seem entirely ridiculous. But substantially all are based on listing content or themes that we’ve read or encountered on THS or THS Forum.

HEADING: Desperately seeking any applicant to pamper my furbabies
DATE: 25 December – 31 December
LOCATION: Middle of nowhere, USA
PHOTO: Bathroom toilet (only photo)

INTRODUCTION

DO NOT APPLY UNLESS YOU HAVE READ EVERY WORD TWICE AND ARE WILLING TO IMMEDIATELY COMMIT TO OUR DEMANDS

  • We have never used Trusted Sitter House before and don’t know how it works
  • Given Facebook advert, we seek to critically select and immediately reserve some no-cost employees on an unlimited basis
  • We might book a local trip. For our convenience and to save our money, we intend to travel on difficult travel days
  • Before we book anything then we require that our selected housesitter to send us evidence of booked travel plans that satisfy our requirements
  • To meet our potential travel plans, we require that housesitter arrive at property between 4am and 5am on 25 December and leave property on 31 December between 11pm and midnight
  • We are starting renovations of the property. Builders and contractors will be onsite working during the housesit
  • During housesit, our property will be locked and is unavailable. Housesitter can bring their own tent or can sleep in our garden shed
  • We have an extensive array of external and internal cameras and plan to monitor housesitter movements and ensure compliance with housesitter responsibilities
  • We recently moved house. We have not yet unpacked boxes so there is clutter everywhere
  • We have not yet had a chance to take photos but listing includes a single photo of our toilet
  • We expect housesitters to have a PhD in veterinary medicine or equivalent qualifications
  • We recently had a litter of puppies. They are not toilet trained and have regular accidents
  • We have never previously left our precious furbabies
  • Pets sleep with us in our human bed. Sometimes we wake up with pets on our face. They don’t wet the bed too often
  • Pets share our meals and often lick communal plates and cutlery
  • Pets cannot be left for more than five minutes
  • We take pets outside to ‘go potty’ every 15 minutes throughout every day
  • Property is not accessible by public transportation. Housesitter needs own car
  • In even that housesitter has periodic access to property, there will be no space in the fridge or freezer
  • DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT using our stuff. We have allocated one pot, one mug and one plate for housesitter use
  • We plan to wait two weeks to review applicants but then to offer the sit to the first applicant. We expect them to confirm sit within 10 minutes. We expressly do not want a video call
  • We require that housesitter visit, on their own time and cost, the pets/property exactly three weeks prior to the start date
  • Other than required visit, we do not want any in-person contact with housesitter
  • During housesit then we are uncontactable by any means, even in emergencies
  • Despite festive season, no guests whatsoever are permitted at the property
  • We have no family, friends, neighbours or other contacts that are willing to assist deal with any issues
  • We may cancel our trip or amend dates, and therefore the housesit, at any time
  • We do not intend to write a Welcome Guide. Our time is too important. But you’ll probably eventually work stuff out via trial and error
  • It’s critical for us to hire top-quality employees so we will only consider applications from single, female housesitters named Georgina that routinely travel on trains from platform 9 3/4
  • We have agreed with a friend that they can visit our property unannounced and they may stay overnight for one or more nights
  • Housesitter to provide proof of their own insurance for pet care, property damage and public liability
  • Some property basic appliances or features may be broken or otherwise unavailable to housesitter during the housesit
  • We are hosting a garden party a week before the housesit and expect the housesitter to clean up the mess
  • Garbage and recycling is collected periodically. We do not know how to sort items or dates of collection. Try Google?

AMENITIES
Basic wifi (only listed item)

RESPONSIBILITIES / JOB DESCRIPTION

  • Housesitter staff is expected to perform their duties as prescribed. We may extend responsibilities without warning
  • Housesitter is expected to train our puppies. We will test pet behaviour and command responsiveness on our return
  • Housesitter to provide all pet food, treats and accessories subject to our approved products and vendor list
  • Housesitter staff is expected to spend 24 hours per day with our pets
  • One of the puppies, Wolf, has a history of aggression against other animals and humans. Shhhh, we’re not disclosing this to THS as it’s against their rules but you’ll be fine, probably :wink:
  • We require that the housesitter walk each puppy separately, in rural locations that require use of housesitter vehicle
  • Multiple housesitter responsibilities are significantly different to how we treat our own pets. But we’re on a trip so it’s only fair that they get pampered too. Pets will be fine with the unexpected changes, maybe
  • We don’t really walk the dogs but they’d probably really love to walk up to 100km daily
  • We have some other pets but we’ll leave them, and related responsibilities, as a surprise for your arrival
  • On arrival, housesitter will perform a deep clean of our filthy property and then maintain it to spotless condition
  • Before we leave, we’ll put our stuff in the washing machine – empty, iron and put in the cupboard
  • Our neighbour has some horses and we have agreed with they that housesitter provide full-service care, including feeding and mucking out, to the horses
  • During housesit then housesitter is expected to resolve any issues whatsover without assistance
  • If any of our pets become ill or injured then housesitter will fund all vet bills. You’re probably at fault anyway

PETS
Sheep, aged 5 years (only listed item)

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Do you have a question or do you just want us to read this and weep/laugh? :sob::rofl:

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Topics covered in other threads. But if you seek to add related content then please do so.

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I think you have probably covered everything ever discussed on here :rofl:

So, at the moment, I have nothing to add other than, well done on an excellent job collating all the pertinent facts, and if I were free on your dates, 30th - 31st February, I would definitely be applying. In fact, I’ll save it as a favourite, and watch out 24/7 for future listings so that I can apply in supersonic speed and beat the rest of the herd.

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You forgot to mention - strip all beds, wash and iron bedding and remake beds (even if leaving at 6am).
Ensure a 3 course meal is prepared and table laid with candles.

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And charge sitter for utilities

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We show a photo of a toilet, but the toilet is “out of order,” so there will be a portable potty in the backyard for your use. This is the same one used by the multiple contractors who will be in and out, doing projects at the house while we are gone.

There will be one key for locking up the house when you go for walks with the dogs. Don’t lose it! It is our ONLY key!

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What red flags? Sounds good to me.

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You want parody:

Your Pet Sitting Welcome Guide

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Hello fellow member. You were chosen among the 10,000 applicants willing to exchange two-weeks “free” lodging in my Manhattan apartment for providing care to my lovely kitties aka “my beloved children.” Thank you, City Council for banning Airbnb!

I hope you enjoy everything New York has to offer and get to experience life here as a native. Just remember, the cats get anxious so try not to leave them alone for too long. Twenty minutes trips to the bodega are fine!

First, let me tell you about the building. This is a New York City coop. You probably don’t have coops where you are from, but if you are from Eastern Europe and remember a time before the fall of the Berlin Wall, you might have some idea.

We are a community. It is important to speak to your temporary neighbors in the elevator. This will establish that you are someone who understands the culture, and knows that New Yorkers are as friendly as any other people! Please remember to be vague about details of your visit. Just tell them you are my guest. Do not mention that I’m actually out of town as this could be considered an illegal sublet or Airbnb-type arrangement and I will be banished forever. If anybody comes to the door looking for me during the day, tell them I am sitting in the car because of alternate side parking. If it is evening, tell them I am out looking for a “good” space for tomorrow. No one will question these explanations!

This is a pet friendly building, but there is a two pet limit. So under no circumstances are you to reveal the actual number of cats currently residing in my apartment. (Besides, it’s kitten season and I wasn’t able to get everyone fixed, so I’m not even sure what that number is!)

If you are accidentally locked out of the apartment, please do not contact management, but instead knock on Betty’s door — 12C. Betty has an extra set of keys, possibly for everyone who has ever lived here. Do not under any circumstances enter Betty’s apartment even if she invites you in and asks you to help her find the keys. Betty has some clutter issues, and we cannot be responsible for your safety in her apartment! Also, nobody has seen Betty’s husband for years and we don’t want to put you — our guest — in an awkward position.

I know you are a digital nomad and will be working during the day. It’s generally quiet except for the sound of the grand piano and accordion in the apartment directly below mine. Unfortunately, the pianist has “a right to practice” and his parents are both lawyers, so there isn’t much you can do. Usually, I go over to the radiator and scream, “God he sucks,” just to get it out of my system. Don’t say it more than once or he could sue us for harassment! Then I ask Alexa to turn on the white noise. Your choices are ocean waves — no loops, summer rain, rain on tin roof, or Amazon rainforest. Enjoy! Note: I also left earplugs by the bed!

From time to time neighbors may leave missives. These are typed or occasionally handwritten notes left under everyone’s door. This is just a way some of us communicate. These may be signed, unsigned, or signed in all caps or crayon. Here is a passage from something we got last week: “Fellow and Sister Cooperators: The current board is filled with faux-socialists who can’t wait to dance on our graves! We must lower the fliptax from the untenable 25% which is making our apartments unsellable. Anyone who disagrees with this statement is planning to buy up apartments at estate sales and vote to lower the flip taxes after we are gone. Then they will flip our apartments for the millions they are actually worth! They are running dogs who deserve death and yes I am talking about you, Larry, Mr. Big Shot, Board President!” Please feel free to place any such missives in recycling unless they are written on tissue or toilet paper, in which case throw them down the chute.

Laundry: We are not permitted to have private washing machines and dryers in our apartment. There are washers and dryers in the basement. I left a laundry card for you. Your clothes should be safe while they are in the machines, but please do not leave anything valuable unattended in the laundry room, including the shopping cart. Especially the shopping cart. In fact, keep your hands on the cart at all times! (If you happen to see a large red cart with my initials on the handle, please bring it back to me even if the white haired woman with the support socks insists it is hers.) The laundry is open from 6:00 AM to midnight, except every second Tuesday when it closes for “reasons” in the afternoon, also the third and fourth Thursday, and sometimes Mondays. It is still customary to wear KN95 masks in the laundry room and elevators and maintain social distance. Failure to do so will result in accusations that you are “Trying to kill us all so you can dance on our graves and buy our apartments cheap before lowering the flip tax.”

Finally, as for cat care: The cats graze on dry food. There are bowls in every room. Just replenish them. And by all means use filtered water. The litter boxes also need to be scooped at least once a day. Simple! However, we recently got a new foster who is staying in the second bedroom. Please keep that door shut and locked. Use the special feeding chute we had installed. Feed him 10 pounds of thawed raw chicken or horse meat three times a day. Just press the green button to open the chute. Put the food and water on the tray. Close the chute and press the orange button to open the inner chute and push out the food. Don’t worry about the litter pan! He actually goes in the ensuite bath tub and we’ll deal with the mess when we get home. Seriously, don’t go in there or open the door under any circumstances. We’ve left some air freshener if it gets a little funky!

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We have an upcoming sit in Seattle and wanted to add a little Olympic National Park vacation. I went to Verbo which I thought was fancier than Airbnb and saw a cabin in the woods, not cheap, with no running water and a portosan, so it’s not so far fetched!

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Responsibilities:

Walk all 5 dogs separately, for an hour each, minimum twice a day. Two elderly dogs need to be let out at night or they will have accidents in the house.

Mow the lawn minimum twice each week, collect fallen fruit, weed the gardens, collect all fruit and veg but don’t eat any of them under any circumstances.

Check in AirBnB guests and answer any questions they have. Wash their laundry and redo the rooms with clean linen.

You can have a bedroom if it is not booked for AirBnB, otherwise you can sleep in the shed. Warm sleeping bag provided. You need to wash and dry the sleeping bag before you depart.

Our house is rural and we will not let you use our car, but you need to wash our parked Mercedes at least once before we return.

You need to arrive two days early to get to know the dogs, and learn their routine. Accommodation is not provided for this.

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Sorry I forgot to mention the 75 tarantulas and 14 snakes that live in tanks in your bedroom. Please thaw out dead rats for the snakes.

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What a great laugh @GotYourBack! Perfect way to start my day. Thank you!

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Oh my goodness, you must have stayed at the Sit in SW France which we endured..errr, cried for two weeks!

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@Tasmazias, we have completed a housesit in SW France but it was highly enjoyable, lovely pet parents and we’d happily return. Suspect different to yours.

That said, some parody content is substantially reflective of our personal experience from housesits or video calls. Hopefully a fractional minority but there’s some whacky folks out there!

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These are pretty good and I only have a few to add (based on real THS sits experience)

  • We will conduct initial phone screening, followed by a video interview where you should be prepared to discuss your childhood and your pet experiece. This will be followed by in-person visit where we are you going to see if the pets like you and approve you as a sitter. After we have concluded this process with the other 4 applicants, we will let you know about the outcome of your application by sending you an automatic “ you have not been selected” message.
  • We require at minimum 5 daily photo updates and Facetime video chat with the fur babies every evening.
  • Make sure the cats use the toilet and report on the poo’s color and consistency
  • The termostat will be set at comfortable temperature of 15 C, DO NOT try to adjust it
  • DO NOT discuss our travel plans with the neighbors, they will try to find out where we went.
  • Make sure you chop enough firewood for my return and the fireplace is lit and house is warmed up for my return.
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Yes, I have seen a real listing that said this!

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Invitation to be reserve sitters for the above sit in OP.

“We have read your profile and seen all your five star reviews so we are requesting that you travel to us for an in person interview to be vetted to see if you would be suitable as “reserve sitters “

The interview will take place the day after tomorrow.

The request is that you would be on standby to cover for the already confirmed sitter ( in case of any last minute emergency where the confirmed sitter is incapacitated or has to leave the sit ……then you would drop everything and stand in )
The good news it is for a month long sit !!! ………

So if you make the grade and pass our vetting process and we choose you as reserve sitters you would be on standby at your own home for a month !!! This ofc would mean that you would be unable to take any other sit , work , holiday, or accept any friends or family invitations for that period .

We look forward to hearing from you about this exciting opportunity. “

… this is paraphrased to make the point but it is an actual invitation that we received to be “reserve sitters” and it’s not even a sit we had applied for or favourited :roll_eyes:

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Curious how you replied, if you did. If someone sent me an “invitation” like that, I’d ignore them, because not worth any energy to reply to jackasses.

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I did reply just to make sure that I had understood correctly what they were asking for as it seemed so bizarre ( and not in anyway a mutual exchange) I thought maybe I was misunderstanding what they were asking for .

The host confirmed that we had understood correctly and since they didn’t have any friends or family who could take over if anything happened to their confirmed sitter they thought “as we were retired it would be perfect for us” !!!

Well , for a start we are not retired , our profile talks about our work and even if we were retired we certainly would be filling our days with lots of fun activities and not be sitting around as reserve sitters ……can’t think of anyone who would consider such a one sided invitation . We didn’t reply after that .

This was a year ago , I have just read the review of the sitter that talked about complex medical needs of the dogs ( not in the listing ) and running out of their medications during the six week sit
… :triangular_flag: :triangular_flag: :triangular_flag: :triangular_flag: :triangular_flag:

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