How do you say no to a host or a sitter's request?

[Jenny]

Hello everyone!

Today I’m asking you to share some tips on how you say “no” to a host or sitter’s request. I imagine most of you have had a situation where you’ve been asked to accommodate something that’s not quite right for you - how do you handle those situations smoothly?

Some examples:

If you’re a sitter and a host requests something you’re not comfortable with, how would you decline politely?

If you’re a host and a sitter makes a request that doesn’t work for you, how do you balance keeping things friendly and saying no?

Please share your tips and experiences below. It’d be great to hear what you have to share!

Jenny

[MaggieUU]

Many have difficulty saying no, especially if put on the spot. My suggestion (if practical) is to immediately say ‘let me think on that for a bit’. Then you have some time to evaluate and organize your thoughts. Unless it is a non-negotiable, then by all means just say no.

[SeniorSitter1]

If they sent a picture of that cat I would say yes to everything. He’s melting my heart.

[MaggieUU]

That cat is indeed special. Even more so if it is a ‘he’ as only 1 in 3000 calico cats are male.

[Rhe]

That was my first thought to! Noooooooo….OK!

[Rhe]

I’m terrible at saying no. I would try to buy some time, and make some kind of excuse - I have an online meeting, dentist appointment, etc.

It very much depends on what the request is - and, for me at least - the manner in which it is asked.

[SeniorSitter1]

That’s true, they are all girls mostly.

[MaggieUU]

Agreed. But no reason to keep it that way

[Silversitters]

It does depend if the request / demand is made before the sit is confirmed or during the sit .

If it’s a definite no from us - for example you will take us to the airport at 3am - then we would say we’re happy to take care of xx ( pets name ) but an airport run is not something we would do , so if that’s a deal breaker , we will withdraw our application .

When mid sit we were told the daughter was coming home to stay “and that we’d hardly know she was there” .. we said that if they wanted the daughter to stay we would leave so that she could stay but that we wouldn’t be able to come back …. ..The daughter found somewhere else to stay .

[Maggie8K]

I’d keep things friendly and conversational, like:

Oh, unfortunately, that’s not something I do. (No explanation needed and better to not leave an opening for debate by explaining.)

Then quickly move on to another topic. Or excuse yourself to the powder room, or for a walk, or to unpack or whatever, if you’re uncomfortable staying and potentially having the conversation continue.

Or if it violates THS terms, just say that conversationally. Or if it’s outside sitting norms, say that.

Or like @Silversitters says, you can give them a choice, one based on your boundaries. It’s like when parents offer kids choices.

Note: I keep things conversational and light to start with. If someone is pushy or entitled, you can always escalate as needed. But typically if your tone is friendly and sure, people are less likely to push.

[Jenny]

Thanks so much for your replies so far - and I concur about the cat - that cute face would make me amenable to unreasonable requests!

Based on what I’m reading, the art of saying no is really a people skill, and the right approach could make all the difference in what happens next. I like @Maggie8K’s idea about excusing oneself from the conversation if it feels uncomfortable.

Looking forward to hearing what everyone else has to say - please share any tips and experiences!

[RedLassie]

as a sitter, 2 things I have asked recently, i have followed up with, it’s not a deal breaker, I will still do the sit even if it’s a NO from you. I will respect your decision.

Can I bring a friend, she is on THS too?

and

Can we stay 2 extra nights to be here (Ireland) for St Patricks day?

the answer in both cases was yes

[Rhe]

I follow the philosophy of that wise old sage - ‘I would do anything for love… but I won’t do that!’ (Meatloaf)

[BonnyinBrighton]

The ability to say NO is my personal Super Power. hubby is much more avoidant…. and polite!
I’ve worked with challenging teenagers and also been in various jobs where I needed to establish very good boundaries. I have the opposite problem which is I can’t really understand what’s going on when other people avoid saying NO. I end up having to help them to say it… and make it ok for them, as a few people really are avoidant or cringe when saying NO. I put it down to fear I think, or embarrassment.
Part of my easiness in saying NO is having some key phrases up my sleeve like ‘Oh that’s a shame as that doesn’t really work for me’ or ‘Thanks for the suggestion/offer but I’m afraid it’s a NO from me on this occasion ok.’ I see this as being assertive about your needs/preferences. I’ve always had this Super Power.
BTW I’ve said NO to 2 offers from HOs in the past week. Requests within a sit are dependent on whether it fits with what I’ve already planned, so NO is always a possibility. A few things that are a hard NO are included in our profile.

[Rhe]

Good for you, Bonny. I sure could have saved myself some hassles in life if I could have been less English and more assertive

[WeRPAWsome]

As full-time sitters for fourteen years, with 155+ five-star sits completed, we’ve found ourselves in this situation a few times along the way.

Our first tip — whether you’re a host or a sitter — is simple: take a breath before replying.

A quick pause helps you respond thoughtfully rather than reacting on the spot, and that usually keeps things friendly and constructive.

We’ve also learned that sometimes you don’t actually have to say a hard “no.” Often you can reframe the request in a way that still works for both sides.

For example, we’ve occasionally been asked — unexpectedly — if we could do an airport pickup or drop-off. Rather than declining outright, we might say something like:

“Happy to help with the airport run if that works for you. It might also make sense for us to use your car while you’re away, so we can take the puppy further afield for walks or get to the vet quickly if ever needed.”

That way:

• the host gets their airport transfer

• we have transport if needed for the pet

• and the conversation stays positive and practical.

If something truly doesn’t work, we’ve found the best approach is honest, simple, and kind, for example:

“Thanks for asking — unfortunately that won’t work for us, but we’re really looking forward to the sit and caring for your pets.”

Most people respond well when the tone is calm and respectful.

After many years of sitting, we’ve realised that good sits come from good communication, and that includes feeling comfortable setting gentle boundaries when needed.

[Cathie]

I’m with @BonnyinBrighton, I think a lot of people have trouble saying no, particularly women as we are conditioned to be polite. @Maggie8K offers some great suggestions. No can be a complete sentence!
We are very flexible when sitting, but choose very carefully and only apply for what we think is reasonable. We expect our hosts to be the same.

[Maggie8K]

The funny thing is, I’ve had jobs in news where I said no to hundreds of requests in one day, just flat out. If I fell into a coma, I probably could say no even unconscious.

By contrast, saying no in sitting situations varies with the dynamics, the personalities, how the request was framed, when it was made and so on. And of course, you can negotiate, but it helps for some folks to learn how to say no with greater comfort (or less discomfort) to start with – walk before running. I think that was the intent of this thread – to help folks who struggle with saying no.

[Tasmazias]

Different attitude from us… we’d have absolutely no issue with the daughter returning for a night and possibly quite enjoy the meeting. We’d certainly, however, ensure she knew we were not paid House staff so would expect her dishes to be done, laundry attended, our privacy respected, etc. etc. Our worst experience was taking over directly from a commercial Sitter (Can$65 per day for her three week engagement!) who left a disaster area. We were horrified at her attitude to our comments with her retort being, ”I’m here to cat Sit not water plants ( we rejuvenated some!), empty the trash, rake up a few autumn leaves that kept getting ‘walked into’ the house, ++++ other general normal living duties!

[GotYourBack]

We perceive that timing of the request is important here. We perceive timing as (a) before sit confirmation, (b) between sit confirmation and significantly before sit commencement, (c) after arrival at housesit location.

Our top tip to OP question is early preparation. We try hard to front-load likely topics to the video call, i.e. before sit confirmation. We probably withdraw applications after 25-30% of video calls - often on the basis of surprises, poor pet parent attitude, unreasonable requests or otherwise poor fit. Given experience, we’d much much rather withdraw an application than execute a bad housesit.

Our second tip relates to boundaries. We’ve received plenty of unexpected requests from pet parents. Most are simply employer mindset - do extra tasks X, Y, Z. Sometimes odd requests are unscheduled. But sometimes a simple ‘no’ is necessary.

Finally, we’ve had multiple odd situations where pet parent instructions on pet care have made us uncomfortable as they seem, at best, optimistic and often signal a clear calorie deficit. Hungry dogs are not good so we apply pet experience and common sense and modify related instructions. Some pet parents seem to overstate exercise requests a great deal (multiple possible psychological reasons) or understate food eating materially (ignore human scraps, treats; start pet diet just before sit ).